a.k.a. Jo

My Journal, pages 1, 2, and 3.

2009-09-13T20:23:00.004-05:00

I am starting a new journal because my life has changed so significantly that keeping my old journal active would be unhelpful and possibly harmful. Moving on to a new book helps me to move on to the next thing in life.
Sometimes I wish I could move backwards; could have another chance to dance, and a chance to avoid getting so deeply into the relationship that would not end well. But I can't go backwards, and I'm afraid that even if I could, I would likely make the same mistakes again. I can't go back to my first chance, but praise God; I now have a second. I would be lying to say that I am stronger now, or a better person because of my mistakes, but I am wiser, and I think that may help me become that better person.
However, I know that I will get nowhere on my own. Perhaps that is part of the wisdom, and one of the few lessons I've learned: I need God. I've tried doing life without Him, and it's been a miserable failure. I see now that He is my only strength; it comes only from the vision He places in my heart, and the love He has given me to share. Without these I flail aimlessly; when I shut Him out I am like a deaf bat in the dark.
As much as it hurt me, I am thankful to Dan for what he did. He saw clearly the destruction our relationship caused, which I closed my eyes to. I can see God's hand so clearly in this, now that He has opened my eyes.
I am eager to start down the proper path in my life, the one God wants me on, the one I never should have left. But I am unsure of what that is, and I think God is withholding that knowledge from me because he doesn't want me to try to stumble down it on my own; I need to learn to lean on Him first.
Why is it that the right way always seems the hardest? My pride would keep me from that path, as would the part of me that self-protects, that strives to be always in control. I must not let them win me over. God will be sovereign; I must tie my shoelaces so I don't trip over my own feet. Or even better, perhaps my Daddy will tie them for me.

This break-up is not about getting rid of the wrong guy so I can find the right, rather, it is about getting rid of all the obstacles so I can grow closer to God; to the One who truly loves me unconditionally, the One upon whom my whole existence depends.

For the record:

2009-09-13T20:16:00.002-05:00

Hello Blog Readers. Yes, it's been a while, and I'm sure there aren't many left who would even bother to check this anymore; even I probably wouldn't be one of the faithful few! Moreover, I'm sure most of you have been sent this, but just in case you are not on facebook, or I missed sending it to you for whatever reason, here is the email that I sent out to people last Thursday, to announce my new "relationship status":

Dan and I have broken up. This happened a week ago. Something about his needing to figure out who he is free of attachments, especially as he goes to Madison in January, something else about not wanting to drag things on with me when his heart is more in his studies, and a big something about not being in love with me anymore. I had plenty of warning I suppose, and I should have seen it coming, but I really didn't expect it to come to this so abruptly; I thought he was more committed. I don't really understand it all, but I'm trying to remember that the most loving thing for me to do is let him go.
I'm hurting alot right now, but some days are better than others. I am still rather shocked, and it is difficult to believe at times that everything I was so sure of is now so uncertain. My emotions are so mixed; everything from misery to anger to optimism for a new way of life. I guess it's a good thing to find out now that he is not quite who I thought he was, or at least wanted to think he was. To everyone who saw that: I'm sorry I was too stubborn to listen to your wise insights, and thank you for giving them nonetheless.
It's been wonderful to have my sister here; she's been so good to me through this and I'm so grateful for that. I want to make sure you all know that I'll be okay, and that I have people here to watch out for me (in case you live far away).
I think I've been in contact with each of you much less than I would like, and hopefully that will change now that I have so much more time on my hands. I've missed each of you. If you want to call me I will be happy to hear from you, though I might not be in the mood to talk about me or listen to advice, (and I'm sure any of you would be happy to help me out like that; knowing that now is a comfort in any case,) I would still love to catch up.
With Love,
Joanna <><

yes it's true...

2009-04-26T10:44:00.005-05:00

...Danny and I are engaged!

He proposed to me on the morning of April 11th, exactly two years after he asked me to be his girlfriend. We had planned a daytrip to Chicago, something we had hoped to do before, but never gotten a chance. He picked me up at five o'clock in the morning, (though I had trouble waiting even that long,) and we set out; but first, we agreed, we would stop by Peabody Park, a very special place for us, to exchange "anniversary gifts." After giving him my gift, (a scrapbook,) there in the foggy, predawn darkness on the riverside, it was his turn. He told me to hold out my hands, and close my eyes, and as I did I felt a ring sliding onto my finger... "I knew it!" I gasped, and looked to see him lower himself to one knee, and ask the question...

It was not the wind in Chicago that kept us floating all day. We must have been the two happiest people in history to ever get stranded on the L. As we walked to and through Navy Pier, we stole many glances at my hand to make sure we were not dreaming. Though we are both highly appreciative of fine art, not even the vibrant colors of Renoir nor the exquisite brushstrokes of the great Italian painters at the world famous Art Institute could hold our attention for long, especially not when I was standing next to the most beautiful thing in the world. As I tried on blouses from the clearance rack on the fourth floor of Macy's, he evaluated the results with adoring eyes and praised me as one praises a princess dressed for a ball. And as we sat at the classy Italian cafe enjoying bruscetta, salmone and fettuccine, I would not have wanted to be anywhere else for the world.

As you may have guessed from my first comment, I was not wholly surprised by the proposal; in fact, I was almost expecting it. It did not take long for us, after we officially reinstated our dating relationship, to come back to the decision that we had made last summer to get married. Ah, how do I explain what it's like to know that he is the one that I want to share my life with? I feel so much peace about it; it is so right for us to be together.

I think we will probably be getting married in August; it will be a small, family only ceremony, and hopefully outdoors. Still, there is much planning to be done!

I hope you all have a blessed day. :)

:D

2009-03-08T13:59:00.005-05:00

I just wanted to let you all know that Danny and I are back together again. :)
We've both gone through a lot during our time apart. We've changed a lot; grown alot. As we rekindled our friendship, we've encouraged each other, supported each other through tough things, and helped each other grow closer to God. And we've been learning, little by little, to put Him first in our friendship/relationship with each other and our lives. Through this, a magical thing has been happening; we are falling in love again. I feel peace about our lives together, and, I think that this is the right time, and the right way to go about things. Even though we still have a lot to work on and work out, I think that with God's help, we can do it together.
If you pray for me, please pray that we continue to seek God's will and way in our relationship, and that he guides us in other areas our lives as well.
I am finally inspired to start taking care of my body again. I've been eating horribly, and gaining about 5 pounds a month... it's disgusting! I am going to start by changing a few unhealthy habits first, and hopefully over time that will make enough of a difference to inspire me to continue. I've realized that I have rather poor self-control...it's funny; I used to be so strong in that area.
I am leaning toward going to Lawrence next year, instead of Alverno in Milwaukee. There are several reasons for this, one being that the psychology and Spanish programs both are better at Lawrence, two that I would really much rather be in Appleton near my family, and not in the scary bigness of Milwaukee, nor near perhaps difficult memories and "what if" questions. I would be required to live on campus at Lawrence anyway, which I think would be good for me. My good friend Heidi is also planning to attend Lawrence, and we are thinking that we would make great roommates. Also, I could continue to go to my church Christ the Rock, where I am beginning to make friends and feel like I belong. The third reason is that I was realizing that one of my main motives for going to Alverno is to be near Dan, though really, I think it would be better for our relationship and both of our academic careers if we were farther apart, and not tempted to see each other so often. I like how much we talk too when we are apart, sad as that may seem. Dan is in agreement with me on all of these points; he is really prioritizing his schooling right now, and I am proud of him for that.

A Special Verse for Today...

2009-03-01T14:07:00.002-06:00

Romans 6:14-23 (English Standard Version)

14For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.

15What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, 18and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. 19 I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.
20 For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. 21 But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

My Apologies

2009-02-19T14:27:00.003-06:00

Dear Blog Readers,
The other day I posted a rather bleak entry that more than likely worried a few of you. I would like to apologize for my outburst in my moment of despair, and assure you all that I am doing alright, (and that I am not suicidal). I think it was more of a plea for attention than anything else.
Honestly, some things are still rough, but I have been seeing many more happy days than sad ones lately. I've signed up to see a counselor and also a nutritionist, so I will be getting some outside help very soon. Inside, my heart is finally softening to let God in again. Though it may be hard, I know I can hope in him, and I do believe he has plans for me, to give me "a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
I've been doing well at work, and loving playing Clair de Lune on the piano, which I found in my awesome new piano book. I haven't been able to see my friends very often because we are all so busy, but I will mention that Dan and I have been hanging out sometimes lately, just as friends, which is very nice, becasue besides being my love, he was my best friend as well, and a friendship like that is sorely missed when it is gone.
I haven't been dancing. I realized that I can't dance or thing about returning to the dance world without my ED flaring up again, and I can't handle that right now. So after a rather abrupt exit, I have been considering where else I would like to take my life, thinking definately of going to college soon. More on that later. :)
I hope you all have a blessed day.

Valentines Day

2009-02-15T11:20:00.002-06:00

(First I have to say SORRY for not keeping up with my blog better!)

Yesterday I worked for 7 hours strait and barely had a chance to take two sips of water. We were that busy.

Victoria's is known for two things: a romantic atmosphere, and hugely oversized portions. It has been a fixture in Appleton for twenty years, and a hot spot for romantic couples. Yesterday the wait got up to two hours at one point. I served quite a few bottles of wine, and there were several large tables that Ally and I waited on together. I made out pretty well. :)

"It's never too late..."

2009-01-29T08:53:00.004-06:00

I had a rather interesting experience this morning, as I opened the curtains in the living room to let the light in. I was mildly taken aback to see all the snow, though it has been there much the same for weeks, and I've nearly forgotten what the world looks like without it. Nevertheless, it caused me to realize that it won't be there forever. Yes there will be more of it before it begins to recede, but in just a few months the sun will be a little bit closer to the earth, and its warmth will begin the process of conquering the cold and the gloom, and life will once again push its way through the ground to bring joy and nourishment to all the creatures which rely on it to live. And I will be able to take long walks and swim in lakes and sit in the shade, and not have to protect myself by hiding all but a few square inches of me from the bitter weather. I just have to wait a little bit longer.

I came across a quote the other day that inspired me very greatly. It is a quote I'd written down before and recently rediscovered; it had been casually given to me a long time ago by a friend who recently encouraged me along the same lines in conversation...

"It's never to late to be who you might have been."
- George Elliot

:)

2009-01-27T10:16:00.003-06:00

I am happy to report that I've had a very nice past few days. I've been working on several projects, including writing a story, perfecting the Maple Leaf Rag, and, most exciting, finally piecing together the quilt that I've been working on for the past five years. I calculated if I sew on one block every day, I should be done in time for my birthday!
Also, work was really good last night. I made 3x as much money as I would have expected, and had some amusing tables. Besides the one major communication error with the kitchen, (my first in a long time), it probably couldn't have been better. :)

Time Alone?

2009-01-25T20:30:00.002-06:00

Without a schedule the concept of time becomes less tangible. I feel like it was forever ago that I was at NCSA, or dancing in Milwaukee, or weighed 110 pounds, or was going out with Dan. It seems like ages since my first day of work, since sitting in Spanish class, since doing the Nutcracker. There is a period of time, between Christmass and the first week of January that I have no memory of, save New Year's Eve.
And yet, some times seem so immediately past that it's hard to belive that it's been so long, like baking bread at the Ribbens, performing at the Stevens' Center, or sitting on the deck at my Grandpa's house talking on the phone to Dan. Has it really been so long since...?

I feel like I'm just floating through life. It's very odd.

I cannot remember the last time that I was alone in a building. At least someone in my family is nearly always home. It must have been some time over the summer... no, there was some time at the Boone's house when everyone had left.
I am really only ever alone in my car, or when all my family is sleeping, but still, even then someone could wake up at any time, and there are always other drivers. There is no true privacy.

This is all very ironic, because I feel very alone in the world right now.

A Good Day

2009-01-21T23:28:00.003-06:00

I've been working on learning the rest of the Maple Leaf Rag by Scott Joplin, having bought myself an AWESOME book of essential piano music. I've been practicing so much my hands have been getting sore, but it's really coming along. I have the whole thing memorized now...smooth and seamless is a different story...
I hung out with Heidi for most of the morning... we ran errands and stopped at each of our houses for a while. Sounds kind of boring, but it wasn't. It was really nice to see Heidi.
I also had a chance to appreciate what a difference staying at work until closing makes tip-wise... I did pretty well tonight, which is nice. It's been pretty bad lately with business.
That's about all for now.

Ballet and Inspiration

2009-01-13T22:14:00.002-06:00

I took a ballet class today and it nearly killed me... okay that's an exaggeration. But it did inspire me to get my life back in shape, not to mention my physical vessel.

Random Bits and Pieces

2009-01-09T22:49:00.007-06:00

So it's a new year. So far it isn't proving to be much better than the last one, though it has potential, and I think I can safely say that 2008 was the worst year of my life thusfar.

Yesterday I took a ballet class! I even made it all the way through! My calves are really sore now though. I decided that I will slack off no longer. I will hold myself to the same standards of work ethic as all the other aspiring dancers in the class, and strive to improve technically and artistically, and not to judge my body but let it be what it is, and let God make it what it needs to be to accomplish his purposes.

I talked to Dan a couple days ago, which accomplished two very good things. Firstly, he is no longer mad at me or bitter towards me (unless it is a very little bit) and secondly he made it clear that he does not want to be in a relationship with me, and that I need to move on. Ouch, yes, but I think this rejection will be very good for me in the long term; it will help dissuade the "maybe if I..." notions. We decided against the "no talking ever" rule, but we will only call each other infrequetly, when we "need" to, and if we see each other, it will only be as part of a group. I think that should work well.

Speaking of work, I think I've cursed Saturday Night business at Victoria's. Typically, it is after 8:30 by the time all the people lined up on the benches waiting for a table have been seated. Last Saturday I had only two tables, and we closed early. In fact, every Saturday since the beginning of December has been slow. Every one, that is, except for the one I wasn't there for. Anyway, I gave away my shift tomorrow night so I can spend time with the Ribbens, who are coming to visit from Door County. Maybe everyone else can make some money now.
Really, I know that the drop in business has more to do with the post-Christmas frugality, the current economic climate, and the snow storms than anything else. Every other shift I've worked this week has been slow too. Yesterday in fact I had a net loss on my shift; the $6.35 I earned in tips from my two tables wasn't enough to cover my $3.61 lunch and my $5 parking ticket. Which I still have to pay...

Today was actually a pretty good day though. I saw Heidi twice; first I went to her house to watch dance videos, and then later she came over for dinner (kind-of), and we went to Crossing, the young adult group at Christ the Rock. She let me dump my feelings on her on the car ride home, and I must say, it was really nice to do so. It was a piece of that human connection that I crave so dearly right now. And Heidi's a really good listener. Heidi is an overall really good friend.

I had a lot of fun at the mall today. I spent about two hours looking for a cross necklace, (because after it's being on my wishlist for two years with no results, I decided it was time to buy it for myself). It was a bit lonely, especially since I have had no associations with fine jewelry other than from Dan, but I'm going to have to get used to lonely I suppose. The salespeople were nice, funnily enough the nicest ones were the ones I ended up buying from. I took three home, planning to return two of them, though perhaps I'll end up returning them all in the end.

PARTY! (x2!)

2008-12-31T12:48:00.004-06:00

Yesterday morning Mom and Adam left to take my Aunt and cousin to my grandpa's house in Racine so they could catch their flight back to California out of Milwaukee, and with my Dad in Chicago, that left Becca and I all to our lonesomes in a messy house...and we had a blast!
We had an incredible amount of fun and giggling as we were thoroughly cleaning the house to the music of Arethra Franklin, did crunches, took a walk, made ourselves look pretty, and then took a well deserved rest at the end of the day, watching Pan's Laberynth, (which honestly freaked me out a little bit), and then I listened to a Salem Chapel podcast, stayed up online a little longer than I should have, and snuggled into my own bed for the first time in a week...ahh. :)
This morning I got up early, (it's so much fun to live in a clean house!), made coffee, and picked out some of my favorite Bible verses to post up on my wall. Then Becca and I went out and shoveled the driveway and front walk. Seriously, it should be illegal to have so much fun while doing chores!
Tonight I am working, which should be fun, and then Adam, Becca, Jimmy and I are going to Maddie's house for a last minute New Year's Eve Party, which will be really fun! I've been missing Maddie.

Looking Forward

2008-12-29T18:20:00.007-06:00

I'm feeling much better today, thank you as always for all your support of me. I'll tell you more about that some other time...

I've been laying out my plans for my schedule next term, and I can hardly wait to start!

Firstly, I'm not planning on taking any academics. I was not greatly enthused at the thought of homework, lectures, exams, presentations, and papers again, so I decided I would save my pursuit of knowledge until my interest and motivation will inspire me to a better GPA.

I really like working, so I'm going to continue that, saving money for when I'll need it. (I just got a new wine key for Christmas, and I am so excited to use it! I am working on New Years Eve and all day on the first; that will be fun.)

I have been really missing ballet lately, and over Christmas these feelings have been strenghtened greatly by the experiences of watching the San Fransisco Ballet's Nutcracker, and especially today watching the video of my performance as sugar plum fairy last year. (there's a video on facebook if any are interested). I'm pretty sure at this point that I will be returning to dance very soon! I am planning on taking evening classes here at my home studio as often as I can this coming year, and hopefully next fall I'll be ready to start with the Milwaukee Ballet II again. The time off has been really valuable for me though, and I think it was absolutely necessary for my career. Anyway, I'm really excited about that!

i prefer a granite headstone

2008-12-27T00:50:00.004-06:00

In case you were worried, please don't be; I do not forsee my need for a grave marker anytime in the near future, God willing. That said, this has honestly probably been the worst Christmas of my life.

By the standards with which one usually measures Christmas it was actually pretty decent. I spent good time with family, I got nice presents, we had a fun Christmas party, the decorations were pretty, and it was definately white. But the hole in my life that Dan has left behind made it rather gloomy, and that combined with worrying about him has left me pretty miserable.

I kinda feel like I've died.

I was just reading some sweet and wonderful past emails that Dan had sent to me over the summer, one in particular in which Dan was talking about the devil's attack on our relationship.

I guess he got to us.

Christmas Swan

2008-12-25T08:58:00.003-06:00

My Grandparents live in a beautiful house overlooking Lake Michigan not too far from Milwaukee.
Sitting in the living room and enjoying the glistening white Christmas view, one of my dear siblings spotted a large white bird on the water, a swan. Grabbing a pair of binoculars and my bird-loving father, and wearing my grandmother's coat and my pajamas, I rushed into the backyard and waded through the drifts of snow to get a closer view.
It was beautiful! The bird was huge, radiantly white, and so graceful; I watched it swim along the cliffs of snow, dip its bill for a drink, and dive tail up for fish. It made my day.
Merry Christmas all.

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T12:35:00.006-06:00

Like every year since I've been born, we are spending Christmas at my grandparents' house. It is so nice to be spending downtime with my family, especially my sister. My sister is absolutely amazing; she is so full of wisdom, gentleness, understanding, spunk, humor, and adventure, all at the same time. We were having a lovely heart-to-heart last night as we were falling asleep in our lovely little basement room that we've always shared here... okay, I'll stop before I get too mushy and nostalgic. :)
I think that for the coming term my plan will be to work and dance. I've really been missing ballet, and I've been realizing that my time to do it is pretty much now or never, considering how quickly I've been getting out of shape. I hope I can somehow avoid letting it pressure me to be ever skinnier, and to seek my identity in it, though I can already see that both will be very difficult.
I'm reading an excellent book that I got as an early Christmas gift, called The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. It is about a man who receives a note from God inviting him to meet Him in a building which represents the greatest source of pain in his life. There he meets three persons who are God, and who answer his questions and teach him of God's love. It's really quite incredible.

Rediscovering Loneliness

2008-12-21T20:39:00.004-06:00

Dan and I have broken up again. For those of you who didn't know that we were back together, it happened. It shouldn't have. It's over now.
Funny how feelings stick with you long after things are "over". Rediscovering loneliness hurts.

I gave up Dan because I wanted be closer to God. I wanted to be right with God. I guess I didn't expect that to take a while. Should it? A timeless God can forgive and forget in less than a moment. Why can't I?

I'm trying to reconnect myself with the world. I was embarrassed to talk to almost everyone because I knew that my actions didn't deserve approval. I'm sorry to you all for that.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

Ballet?

2008-12-16T10:13:00.000-06:00

I'm beginning to think that I am not done dancing...

2008-12-09T18:07:00.001-06:00

Life has me confused. Nothing seems to be the way I thought it was. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid to disappoint.

Here and Now

2008-11-26T22:09:00.002-06:00

I was looking back on some journal entries from September and October, and was amazed to see how far I've come from there, or rather, how far God has brought me. I was so messed up! I am in such a much better place now. The difficult thing is that I'm not sure where I'm going, but the good thing is that I know where I'm supposed to be right now, and that is learning to lean on God.
I thank all of you who have helped me, listened to me, given me advice, and prayed for me. I appreciate it so much, and I thank God for you all.
I wish Dan could be here to see it.

Pillar

2008-11-25T22:14:00.001-06:00

I heard a song on the radio that really inspired me. "Smiling Down" by Pillar:

"Smiling Down"

You make it so hard on yourself
But theres nobody else
That could ever understand
The feelings that you felt
I could hear you think about
All the time I was around
If you could only see me now
I'm right here looking down

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

I know you won't forget
All the time we got to spend
Just because it's been a while
Doesn't mean that its the end
So right here and now
I'll swear you a vow
That I will always be with you
Whenever you feel down
Nothing ever will come between us
Now I'm holding on to the hand of Jesus

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

I'll be right there looking down
Even when the shine don't shine
I'll be right there looking down
All along the winter night
I'll be right there looking down
With a smile on me face
I'll be right there with my arms open wide
Right here on Jesus' side

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

I hope that's legal. :)

Downtown Flat and Tap Dancing

2008-11-24T19:30:00.005-06:00

Heidi (who has been one of my dearest friends for the past ten years) came over today and we were kniving about our plans to get an apartment together next fall. Ideally: we would get a cheap two bedroom flat on college avenue within walking distance of school and work for both of us.
It would be so nice to live downtown. I would never have to be at my house if I didn't want to; I could spend all day reading in the library, working, hanging out in a coffee shop, I could walk to ballet if I wanted to go, or I could take a walk in city park, anything that would keep me out of the house eating. And food would be scarce too; maybe that would stop me from binging.
I really miss beeing skinny. Every time I see a skinny girl in a movie I get jealous. We were watching White Christmas and when Vera Ellen came on with bare legs for her dance number my sister commented on how she hates watching the scene because of her sickly skinny legs; and I was jealous.
I ate so much food today. I really am addicted.
I had been doing okay until today. I hadn't been missing Dan so immediately as before... I'll be okay again. I know this is what has to be done.
Work was really fun last night. Well, kind of. There were NO CUSTOMERS after about 7:30, and by 8:25 the place was quite empty, so we closed early. The best part was the impromptu musicale Mike and Billy had going with the forks and stainless steel shelves to the cook Jesus' latin music. I almost started salsa dancing, but then I remembered that I don't know how. Rats.
I really want to learn how to tap.
I think I might go steal another granola bar from the pantry. Or maybe I'll just run away...

Lonely

2008-11-19T22:12:00.005-06:00

I feel very lonely.

Life always seems harder at night. But one thing doesn't get easier when the sun comes up, and that is missing Dan.
To be honest, what I think I miss most right now is the constancy of his presence, support, and assurance of his love. I miss being adored; the feeling of knowing that someone special loves me and thinks I'm special. I miss the sweetness of romance, especially when I remember special dates or hear special songs, or even any romantic song, or romantic movies especially. I miss the early days when we would email each other; the thought of a love letter makes me miss that very much. I miss the way he used to leave me love notes everywhere; he even taped some to my ceiling once. And yes, I do miss his kisses.
I really miss his friendship too. He was my best friend, and those are hard to replace. We were so close. I miss talking with him for long hours on the phone; time never seemed to exist when we were together. I miss the way he cared about me, was truely interested in how my day was, and sincerely concerned when I was having a hard time. I don't think anyone cared so much about my eating disorder as he did.
And I miss doing and being all those things for him too; I miss "loving on him" as he would have said.
And besides all of those things, the sensations and roles that I suppose someone else could have filled, (or could fill someday), I miss Dan himself. I truely love him, not only what he does for me or "being in love," but who he is as a person. I miss his sense of humor, his thoughts about life, the world, justice, and little things too. I miss the way he walks, the way he drives a car, or ties his shoes, or chats with an old aquaintence or his mother, the way he baby-talks to animals, or shows off something he knows I won't appreciate, or puts his arm around my shoulder or rubs my arm or asks me if I'm comfortable... And despite the ways in which he failed, there are alot of things about him that are so wonderful.
Why, you may ask? Why did I ever let such a beautiful thing go? Why did I give up the love of my life?
That's why; because he was my life's love. After myself, (which is the first sign that something is wrong in life), I loved nothing dearer, not even goodness nor God. And looking back, I can see a few of the many mistakes we made that contributed to the erosion of our relationships with God.
I very much wish that things had been different. I wish we had done things right. But that doesn't mean that it's too late to do the right thing now.
Two nights ago, as I cried on his shoulder, I realized how selfish of me it was to keep clinging to him; I know now that every time I did I was preventing him from moving forward. I pray earnestly that the road will lead him eventually to a beautiful relationship with Christ. I wonder how long it is, and where it will go through before it gets there.
I knew also, that clinging to the hope of a change, or to the sweet memory of the past, or to the then-sincere promises we made about the future, was keeping me from fully abandoning my life to God, and I just can't live like that. Those promises still haunt me, worst of all; life was going to be so beautiful together. We were seriously planning to be married. And we were so sure...

A New Beginning

2008-11-18T01:02:00.003-06:00

I just said goodbye to Dan forever; for real this time. I am convinced that it was the right thing to do.
I feel so much better now; a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel peaceful. And I am really ready to turn my whole life over to God.
Thank you for your prayers; and please pray for Dan too.

Dream world fading

2008-11-14T14:58:00.002-06:00

My little dream world that I thought I was living is slowly fading, and I'm realizing that I can't get it back.
I know it's best this way, but that only makes it a little bit easier.
Eventually I'll have to accept that I have to face the pain.

a tg' jazo eio

2008-11-12T11:15:00.007-06:00

So the random nonsense in the title - yes, it's just random nonsense. That's what came out when I banged on the keyboard.
I guess I'm not doing so well today. I really miss Dan. Alot.
It makes it a little bit easier that I know that it is the best for him, and the best for me, though it's not so easy to remember the latter.
Sometimes I have really beautiful quiet times when I feel that God is wrapping me in his arms and stroking my hair and reminding me that everything is going to be okay. But sometimes I enter this dark and lonely state where my world seems empty and I feel alone and I can't see past the next ninety seconds.

I'm very thankful to be seeing less and less binges, and finally I've been able to see things like "this food won't make me happy" and "I'm full" and "Why would I eat that again?" and "Eating this second bowl of ice cream might make me gain weight." I'm a little concerned that I might slip back into anorexia though. Perhaps it is a combination of seeing some old photos, taking a ballet class, and not fitting into old clothes that has led me to miss being thin, and even scarier, miss being anorexic. It's hard to explain.

I've been dancing around the house quite a bit, and actually missing ballet class and dancing. I think I'm going to go again tonight. Hopefully I'll make it past barre; I miss doing pirouettes and tendues in center.

I removed Dan as my facebook friend so that we would stop stalking each other, but I must confess that I've found ways around that, and I know he has too. For one, I know he's reading this... and I read his blog too. So far it's only poems. Very good poems. Seriously, he should be a poet. Perhaps I'm biased.

I have to leave for Spanish class soon. Jimmy and Becca are going to drop me off, so I have to walk home. It's cold and raining, but I need the excercise, and the think time.

Last night I dreamed that I was Peter Pan. I have these dreams periodically. I really wish I could fly. I really wish I could fly.

Joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart!

2008-11-08T11:21:00.005-06:00

I just took a ballet class, for the first time in about a month and a half. Actually I didn't even make it all the way through; I nearly passed out during frappes. The good news is that I still remember how do dance! I think I'll go take class more often...
I had a wonderful time in NC. It was SOOO good to see everyone; it was like I'd never been gone. I didn't get to spend as much time with everyone as I would have liked, but I got a chance to see pretty much everyone that I had been hoping to see, which was really nice.
God really used the trip to work on me. It's incredible to watch what He's doing in my life, now that I'm making Him my first priority. Life is so much brighter, and even when it's hard, I know He's there for me to turn to.
I've been doing really well with food too. I'm finally ready to give it up completely, and it all seems so much less important compared to everything else God has for me. Thank you all for your prayers! I had a beautiful moment the other day when I looked in the mirror and realized that I love my body exactly how it is, and I was so glad that I don't have to feel pressured to look a certain way anymore. I am how God made me; fearfully and wonderfully made.
Oh, and I cut my hair! It's about shoulder length; a little shorter in the front, and a little longer in the back. I really like it!
The only thing that remains to be told is that Danny and I are taking a break. I won't go into detail right now, just know that the decision is mutual and that the purpose is for each of us to be able to build a strong relationship with God and become our own people independantly.
I have so much peace and joy right now. God loves me, and He loves you, and so do I.

I'M COMING!

2008-10-24T09:48:00.003-05:00

Hi! I just wanted to let everyone know that I am coming to visit North Carolina from November 1st to the 6th! I can't wait to see you!
Sorry I haven't been posting more; to be honest I forgot that my blog existed.
This Sunday I am playing my violin in church. I am really excited, but I have a lot of practicing to do! I've always wanted to be a part of worship though; and I'm really glad to finally get a chance. :)
I have to share that God has really been blessing me financially. I have been making enough extra money (above my budget) to do things like visit Winston and Salt Lake City, and I am so grateful.
I have been really enjoying my job. I like working alot; it's a place where I can forget all of my problems and serve others. My sister Becca's boyfriend Jimmy, who is deciding that he wants to go by his first name Anthony now, just got a job there as well, and I'm looking forward to working with him too.
Speaking of Anthony and Becca, yesterday afternoon he chopped off all of her hair. We were all horrified at first, but I have to say it came out pretty cute. It was mostly Jimmy, but I have to put in that I made a few snips with the scissors myself...
That's all for now! More later, and perhaps I'll see you sooner!

Tidbits

2008-10-02T12:21:00.002-05:00

I finished my hippie skirt! It didn't turn out exactly how I wanted, but it's still pretty cool.
I worked my first shift on my own last night! I made $37.20... well, its a start.
Becca and I are watching an episode of Agatha Cristie's Poirot. I love Poirot! If you aren't familiar with him, you should be.

Joanna Leigh is me...but who is that?

2008-09-29T09:20:00.004-05:00

Well, life is a little bit scary for me right now because I have no idea who I am. Suddenly I'm no longer "a dancer," which brings me to realize that who I am is not what I do...but what is? What is it that makes me who I am? My wise sister had a few words on this: she asked me to think of who my best friend is, and pointed out that I probably wouldn't define him as "a college student who wants to be a lawyer" or even "a tall, handsome, skinny guy." She has a point. I still don't know what that makes me though. I've gained a few pounds since you last saw me as well, (though you probably wouldn't notice), so I no longer feel I fit the identity of "a skinny person," or at least, not as skinny as I'd like to be.
I think its time to confess that I struggle with eating disorders, for all of you who didn't know (or guess). It's neither pure anorexia nor bulimia, though I have tendencies from both; they call it "binge eating disorder". I go through cycles, sometimes binging, sometimes purging, and sometimes starving myself to make up for it. The cyclical aspect of it makes it really hard to escape from. When I decide to stop dieting, I eventually end up in a constant state of binging, and if I try to stop binging and "eat normally" I find that I've forgotten how to do that, and I end up eating less than I should, either that or eating more than I should and eventually binging again until I'm so disgusted with myself that I go back to starving myself.
It takes over my life, and yet I'm afraid to let it go. The worst part is that I believe that if only I was skinny, I would be happy. The greatest problem here is that I know that God does not want me doing this to myself, and yet I can't let go of my skinny ideal, so since God and skinny cannot coexist...
On a lighter note, I've been working on a craft project that I'm really enjoying: my "hippie" skirt. It's patchwork, has no pattern, and will be very long and full. Quite exciting. I also got a job as a server at a fancy Italian restaurant called Victoria's. I really like working; it distracts me from everything else. I'm also taking a Spanish Phonetics class at the college where my Dad teaches; MWF, and all in Spanish too. I really enjoy the Spanish aspect, but I forgot when I signed up about group projects and homework...
Thanks for reading.

Life changes...

2008-09-14T16:01:00.005-05:00

So it's been a while since I've last updated. I guess I've been doing pretty poorly at being a consistent blogger. I might resolve to do better, but that might counter my resolve to be less internet dependent; either you'll know that one's going well or I'll tell you it isn't!
Here is an update on me:
I went to Milwaukee for two weeks, and decided that I really don't want to be dancing right now, so I told them I needed to take some time off and I came home.
I don't know how long I'll be here, a couple months at least. I think that eventually I will discover that I really do love ballet and go back to it, and very likely Milwaukee, but for now, I am just going to take life as it comes and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe I'll discover that I am better off without all of the stress and drama of the ballet world, and be a normal person forever. Somehow I doubt that.
This may come as a shock for some of you, and others of you may have seen this coming before I did; I wouldn't be surprised. It happened rather suddenly I know... however, I do believe that this is the right thing for me right now. It got to the point where I forgot what it was like to dance for myself, and instead was dancing to please everyone else; to be complemented by my teachers, to make my grandparents proud, to live up to my teachers' expectations, to keep up my image as a "ballerina". I realized that I wasn't really loving what I was doing, and I was buckling under all that pressure... Feeling like you can make do and pull through something is necessary sometimes in life to get you where you want to be, however, it is not such a desireable state for your final destination. If ballet is going to be my career, I want it to be something I do because I want to do it. And right now, my dreams, goals, and the joys I find in ballet don't seem to be worth the pain, effort, and sacrifice required to acheive them. When they do, and not before, I will be back to pour every ounce of rediscovered passion into the art. But for now, I'm just going to let it be.
I'm actually really excited about this. I'm excited to be a normal person for once; I have big plans and dreams to do everything I've always wanted to do but never had time for. Some of these include spending lots of time with Danny, family, and friends, getting a job as a waitress, taking a college Spanish class, going to church regularly and actually being involved, and all the little things like painting my toenails, knitting scarves, and baking bread. I'm also hoping to take a couple trips; I want to visit Doug and Donna in Salt Lake City and I want to visit North Carolina as soon as possible. I miss all of you back there so much!
Mostly I'm excited to see what God is going to do in me during this time. It's true I've been wandering; I think it's time for me to get back on track. I know the life He has for me is so much better than the one I've been trying to orchestrate. If anyone is taking prayer requests, there's one thing I know I still need to let go of and give to Him, and I really don't want to; I'm really scared to...
Well, I'll keep you better informed hopefully, and stop writing now so that any of you who haven't already fallen asleep can avoid doing so. I'd love to hear from you if you get a chance...

My Day

2008-08-18T20:34:00.002-05:00

Today I...
...worked from 7:30 to 3:30: served a table full of Italians, (3 of 7 were named Nick), two tables of bikers on a motorcycle tour of the state, made nice tips, cut my finger slicing lemons...
...talked to my mommy...
...went to the YMCA: stretched and did some ballet, did a bunch of crunches, took a shower...
...dried dishes...
...bought tofu at a health food store...
...rode home in the back of a pickup; the sky was beautiful...
...missed my boyfriend a lot, (I saw him last weekend, it was wonderful)...
...had fun with the 5 and only Ribbens...
.......plan to have a nice evening! I hope you do too!

Pretty Crazy...

2008-08-12T10:15:00.002-05:00

So last weekend when I was up in Door County (the "thumb" part of Wisconsin) visiting my friends the Ribbens, we resurrected the old pipe dream of "wouldn't it be fun if Joanna got a job up here and stayed with us for the summer!" Not quite so practical considering I only have three weeks of summer left, of course, but hey, its fun to dream, right? Well, to make a long story short, Brynn talked to her boss at The Bistro and I got a job waiting tables there, with no prior experience, and with the understanding that I'll be quitting in two weeks. Crazy, huh? So that's where I'll be until about the 25th or so, milking rich tourists for their tips money, and flying around Door County with some of my favorite people ever. :)
Also, officially starting today, I am financially independent from my parents. They'll still let me stay at home rent free, and give me "presents" from time to time, but I'll be paying my own expenses, (including gas; ouch! I have a feeling I'll be biking alot!)
I wish I had had more time to spend with my family, and especially my love Daniel. I'll really miss him while I'm gone, and probably more than I think I will now, knowing me. I made sure I'll be back home for about a week before I leave for Milwaukee though; I need that time with him.
That's all for now, folks!

News

2008-08-06T20:57:00.007-05:00

BIG NEWS! I finally got a job!
Next year I will be a Trainee with the Milwaukee Ballet, also known as a dancer in the Milwaukee Ballet II. I am very excited about it; I enjoyed the summer program alot, and I think (and hope) the year will be a good continuation of the experience.
Thank you to all who were praying for me. I decided not to go to Moody next year, (I guess I'm stating the obvious now,) partly because of the distance, but mostly because I felt like God's will for me to stay in ballet for the time being, and see how he can use me in the dance world. Maybe someday I'll have the opportunity to go to Moody; I still think that would be an amazing experience.
I've been home for a few days, and slowly reverting to being-at-home mode. I've been on cloud nine whenever I get to spend time with Danny; it's so nice to see him again. I saw him a few times during the summer program, but it's just not the same. Long distance relationships have few pro's and many con's, but its all worth it to know such an amazing person as Daniel... I know most of you haven't met him, and really, you are all missing out. :)
I'm in the process now of trying to find a job for next year, (in the fashion of a true procrastinator - "now" meaning "as soon as I get around to it"), as my pitiful stipend is nowhere near enough to live on. (I qualify for food stamps.) This is complicated by my 9-6 M-F dancing schedule, and the occasional week of late nights in the theater. I have been looking for an apartment however, though it's kind of at a standstill because my future roommate Bret isn't sure when she's going to end her visit with her mother to move in with me. That's okay, I'll probably just stay with relatives until she does.
That's plenty for now! Thanks for reading!
P.S. I got a pet rat! His name is Peanut, he's six weeks old, grey and white, and adorable...

It made me giggle...

2008-07-23T17:28:00.002-05:00

Today on my way to ballet this morning I found myself driving behind four red cars in a row, which miraculously later became five red cars in a row... I actually laughed out loud. Who knows who appreciated that special moment, besides me and God? I like to think he did it on purpose, just to make me smile.
MUCHO felicitaciones to Dave and Brie; proud new parents of Ellie Rebekah Jacobsen! The pictures on Dave's blog are precious. I really wish I could be in NC to meet her now.

Chess

2008-07-20T18:08:00.002-05:00

There is nothing in the world that can replace good quality sister time. I spent the weekend at home visiting my family and Danny, and it was really nice. One of my biggest highlights was playing chess with Becca.

Dad taught us to play when we were really little, and while it was cool at the time to be a cultured six year old who could play chess, the downside is that, due to infrequent practice, our strategies and tactics have stayed at a very childish level. Here is a basic outline of such: Move your pieces and see what happens, eliminate as many pieces as you can to simplify the board, (if they are important pieces, props to you,) get a few pawns knighted while you're at it, and eventually checkmate the king with your two rooks on the otherwise empty two back rows.

The first game we made a stab at intelligent playing. The second we reverted to more juvenille tactics...

small, shy green bird

2008-07-16T17:50:00.000-05:00

For English last year I had to pick and write a response to my favorite poem. I thought I'd share.

After the goddess

sang, in silence she became

a small, shy green bird

- Onitsura

I first found this poem in a beat-up old book of Japanese Haikus from the school library when I was doing my poetry project in tenth grade, and I immediately fell in love with it. Ever since, it has stuck in my mind, and it has been growing on me throughout the years. I love green. When I picture this poem, I see green everywhere, leaves of frosty green in a foggy Asian garden, wet with dew. And hidden in the branches, partly behind the leaves and partly camouflaged because of her color, is a timid, quietly beautiful little bird. But oh, what glory is in her song! Its beauty is so great that it immobilizes, transports, fills with awe. It is a song divine; the outpouring of the soul of a goddess – a goddess that is a small, shy green bird. The secret identity of the bird, and her transformation into a goddess, intrigues me. I have had a fascination with transformations ever since I was a little girl. Nobody looking at the bird would know she is a goddess, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is. This poem speaks to me because I can relate to the bird, and because I want to be the goddess. I am small in stature and in confidence, and I have always been shy. However, somehow I feel like I am a goddess, only I am afraid to sing. I long for that song though; that moment in which I can share my beauty, so captivating that I will even forget myself, so that the inner goddess that I know lives inside of me can be appreciated. I know I do have beauty to share, but nobody else knows it; they only see a little green bird. As much as I love pondering the possibilities of the lowly that is truly great, it struck me that the focus of this poem is not the bird becoming a goddess, or even her song. It is afterward; the captured moment is the transformation is from a goddess to a bird. It emphasizes that she is humble and that she does not want the glory for herself; the glory is in the song, and the beauty of the song. The true beauty of the bird is that she is only a bird, a common creature who can produce glorious things. And the other part of this beauty is her humility; she is content with being a bird, and content to be seen as such. She, unlike me, is not prideful or vain. She makes me want to be humble too. This humility is what is really striking about this poem. Would I have looked twice at it had in the last line the goddess struck some haughty posture or paused to bask in her own beauty? No, the allure is in that magical moment in the silence when the reverie ends and the truth is seen – her divinity is hidden, she becomes a bird, yet she is still truly a goddess, though no one notices. It inspires me; reminding me that even though not everyone may know or see it, I am a goddess, I am beautiful inside, and I do have something glorious to share with the world.

cool stuff i've found, and a holiday

2008-07-11T17:06:00.008-05:00

Today is Danny's and my 15th month "anniversary" of when he asked me out. At least, in the central time zone. You see, it happened late at night over the phone, and since it was 11:50pm on April 11th in Wisconsin, where Dan was, it was 12:50am on April 12th in North Carolina, where I was. Usually we only commemorate the 11th of the month, but were we to be on the East coast, I do believe we would celebrate on the 12th. At one in the morning, most likely.
I'm making a lot of friends in the program here and am feeling generally well liked, a nice feeling that I had forgotten about in the last few months at school. I hope that many of my friends and I all make it into Milwaukee Ballet II for next year; that would be nice.
I found this awesome Christian radio station in the Milwaukee area called K Love, (I think they have stations around the country though); if you like contemporary Christian hits and worship music, I highly recommend it.
Another really cool thing I found (thanks to Heidi) was a website for a Christian counter-culture movement called "The Rebelution" started by Alex and Brett Harris, (younger brothers of author Joshua Harris who wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye). I didn't have time to look into it much before I found a fascinating section called "The Modesty Survey (www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey). A bunch of girls submitted questions about modesty, and guys of all ages submitted answers, often with comments, about what they thought was or wasn't modest. It was very helpful and enlightening; I learned things I never would have considered otherwise. I definitely will be checking out the main site more, and I'd encourage you to also if you're interested: http://www.therebelution.com/.
As long as I'm recommending links, here are a few more:
www.ylcf.org/gotcurl - the Curly Girl website. Rachel taught me the method for caring for curls; it's what she does, (and if you haven't seen her hair, it's amazing!), and I've been following it for the past month and a half with great results. Obviously it's not for everyone, but if you've got curly hair, its worth a look.
www.brownielocks.com/month2.html - a listing of crazy yet actual holidays for pretty much every day of the year. Lots of fun.
http://www.coolestdates.com/ - tons of ideas for stuff to do, be it with that special someone, the gang, or your little brother.
That's all (and plenty) for now; have a great weekend! (I'm so glad it's Friday!)

LONG OVERDUE!

2008-07-08T20:44:00.006-05:00

Wow, I am so behind! And yet I still have no time to write...
Brief updates:
Milwaukee Ballet's summer intensive is going well; I'm starting week three of six and still enjoying it.
Last weekend I had a very good time with Danny; we celebrated his nineteenth birthday with a sailboat ride, which was awesome. We learned how to tack and steer, enjoyed the wind and the waves, and got a little sunburned.
Props to all my friends returning from Estonia! I am glad you all had a good time and made it back safely, (I hope, Taylor and Shelton, that you feel better soon!), and I miss you all very much.
I could use some prayer: I just found out that Moody has room for me to come next year, but not on the main campus; I would have to do my freshmen year in Spokane, Washington. I have about a week to decide what to do...
Thanks for reading, and again I apologize for the atrocious gap in posts in which it must have seemed like I fell of the face of the planet. More soon, I hope, (but I wont make promises!)

length reflects energy availible for output

2008-06-23T20:55:00.004-05:00

Today was my first day of my summer intensive. It went pretty well, but boy, am I tired! Perhaps I'll share more about it later...

"Triple Picnic"

2008-06-18T13:15:00.006-05:00

I went to ballet today at Makaroff's; it was a good class. There were a lot of people there, many advanced students and a couple guests, which always inspires me to work hard and do my best. I also felt a need to make up for Monday's class, in which I was slacking off shamefully.
Yesterday Dan and I went to High Cliff State Park on Lake Winnebago for a "triple picnic," and we had a lovely time. We couldn't start a fire in the grill to make our pancakes for breakfast, and the lake was a little too scummy for swimming, but inspite of these we had a perfectly beautiful day of hiking, sunbathing, and enjoying the glorious weather and God's creation. Eventually we did get some coals lit long enough to make banana boats, (thanks, Dave!) and sushi from Copps' made excellent picnic food. The best part however was talking, having fun, and spending good quality time connecting with my best friend.

Odds and Ends.

2008-06-13T15:51:00.004-05:00

This is going to be a shorter entry (and you are probably all grateful) because I've been online for the past two hours and I think its high time I get away from this screen and back to enjoying the beautiful summer day! However, I feel I owe it to you all to post something even occasionally, and since it's been almost a week already since the last one... okay, here goes.
Some things I've done this week:
- Saw The Bucket List. It was good, I reccommend it.
- Celebrated my little brother Adam's fifteenth birthday. Yeah, scary.
- Visited Green Bay with my amazing boyfriend. We didn't stay long; it was rainy.
- Cooked things. I love cooking. Especially experimental cooking...that gets interesting.
- Watch a Star Trek episode, TNG. I'm secretly a trekkie...
- Went to the Library. Twice.
- Took ballet classes at home.
- Had some pretty interesting dreams. We won't go there.
It's funny, but I keep seeing people who remind me of people from NC. It's a bit depressing actually; I miss you all so much!
Ta ta for now...

2008-06-07T18:50:00.005-05:00

Here is an update on my future plans; not too encouraging:
I checked my school email today to find an email from the Pennsylvania Ballet that had been sitting there for a week and a half, and that I'd been awaiting anxiously. Basic message: "Thanks for auditioning, sorry we can't take you, maybe next time." It was not unexpected, yet still rather disappointing. I am sorry to see my list of possible options for next year dwindling farther still. Currently it stands: I could possibly be accepted to Moody Bible Institute, for which I am currently on the waiting list, or I could possibly (and I like to think more probably) be offered a traineeship with Milwaukee Ballet, though this option is looking less and less appealing. I've been hearing from people who didn't really like the program, and I just found out that the pay is next to nothing. I guess I'd have to work some 25 hours a week on top of dancing full time just to support myself. Maybe I could put my meager Spanish skills to good use and wait tables at one of the many Mexican restaurants sprinkled around the company's studios. I am reminding myself that I really need to trust that God has everything in his hands and that he will give me what's best for me.
Last night I went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, and it was pretty good. Not enough emphasis on Aslan in my opinion, but there were several poignant and moving scenes including him that were really beautiful, not to mention that the scenenry and effects were impressive, the characters well played, and the battle scenes exciting. (I found myself gripping my armrests even though I knew what would happen!) Overall it was encouraging; I am inspired to seek out and discover what more can be found in my personal relationship with Christ. C.S. Lewis really is amazing; he's my favorite author.
Danny was very encouraging to me when I was feeling down this morning; when we met I was crying, but gradually he cheered me up and I was laughing before long and having a most splendid time. He is such a good listener, and such a wonderful friend. Sometimes I forget how much I need him.
P.S. Harmony Cafe has really good sandwiches!

Technological Difficulties

2008-06-05T23:17:00.002-05:00

I am so frustrated. I bought a memory card for my phone so that I can listen to music on it, but I have yet to figure out how to actually get the music onto the card! My computer doesn't have a port for the memory card adapter, so I tried plugging the card into my digital camera and plugging that into the computer, which seemed to work. However, the files I put on the card don't show up when I open the music player on the phone. I think it needs to be in an MP3 format, but I'm not sure how to make sure that it is... So then I tried to use my "celltop" to download the music from my computer, but I couldn't find the program on the celltop that I needed to use... (sigh) ...I guess I'll be calling 1-800-ALLTEL-1 tomorrow. I need to call them anyway; my voicemail locked me up.
Cellular device: More trouble than it's worth? No, it is definitely worth it; I know this every time I see that shiny cobalt casing or hear that mellifluous ring...

Home Bittersweet Home

2008-06-03T16:01:00.001-05:00

It took about seventeen hours to drive home, but the last couple hours were the worst. Mom finally let me drive then; I was so anxious to be home that just sitting in the car and not contributing to getting there was driving me crazy. It's always strange coming home after being gone for a long time, because everything seems so normal, like I've never even left. I have mixed feelings about being here. I'm relieved to not have to worry about homework, glad to be with my brother, sister, and parents, excited to reconnect with old friends, delighted to spend time with Dan, looking forward to enjoying all those relaxing summer pasttimes. However, I'm feeling out of shape already and missing my old routine: ballet classes with Mr. Conover, rehearsals, Spanish classes, and it's strange to think that I will never do those things again. Most of all, I really am beginning to miss everyone left behind; the Boones, my roommate Lindsey, a few special school friends, and probably most of all my Salem Chapel friends. I was thinking today about some of the good times we've had at Thrive and on retreat, and wishing that I could do it all again.

I made an attempt to start getting back in shape and did some pilates this morning. I'm making it a goal to do some every day as part of a morning routine, but we'll see how long that lasts. (I really shouldn't be so pessimistic!) Another part of this daily routine will include helping my sister Becca with her physics schoolwork, and I think that I will do some chemistry review sometimes too. Am I such a nerd to already be missing school? The truth is, I really like learning, and I know I will miss it... I really like math and science too; I am surprisingly left-brained for a dancer.

I went on a really nice walk with Danny this morning. It is so good to see him, and be able to spend time with him again! Every time I come home I realize anew how wonderful he is and I love him even more. His new apartment is downtown and within walking distance from my house and gas is expensive nowadays...we'll be getting a lot of excercise this summer!

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: (drumroll please)

I FINALLY GOT A CELL PHONE!

It's a Samsung Muse, and so far I really like it! I was a little disappointed when I learned that I need a memory card to use the music player, but I'll get one soon. I'm going to have some fun tonight entering in contact information for everyone I've ever met! (If you want my number, please let me know!) Well, that is if I ever finish unpacking...

Goodbye Highschool...

2008-05-30T22:23:00.005-05:00

This is my very last night in the dorms, and as a high school student. I can hardly belive that I will be graduating high school tomorrow; and I cannot wrap my mind around the concept that I won't be coming back here for school in the fall.
I hung with my youth group buddies tonight, (Crysane, Shelton, Dustin, Caleb, Taylor, and later Brandon were there,) for the last time this year and probably for a while. We ran Click, the 4th and 5th grade youth group at Salem Chapel, and then went to Dave and Brie's house for ice cream, Taboo, and other fun stuff... Man, I love them all so much; I miss them already. They really make me feel loved and completely accepted, and I always have a great time with them; they are all amazing people. I'm really not ready to say goodbye.
Nevertheless, I really am looking forward to being at home. I miss all my friends there, and especially Danny, my boyfriend; three days still seems like a long time to wait to see him!
Tomorrow I graduate; I will walk across the stage at the Stevens Center, receive my diploma, shake hands with the chancellor and the dean, and leave as an alum of the North Carolina School of the Arts...

Ready Set Go...

2008-05-29T07:46:00.002-05:00

Well, here goes; I am officially starting my blogging venture. I hope for everyone's sake that I am able to keep it up this time; my last couple attempts at blogging have not gotten very far, though they have been rather half-hearted.

I decided to start a blog so that as I leave North Carolina and venture out into the great unknown I can keep in touch with all of you that I am leaving behind, and all of you that I have left behind in Wisconsin and not kept in touch with so well. I realize that it is a bit impersonal, however I have learned from past experience that I am rather inept at keeping up with everybody personally, and so for now, this will have to do. I would love to hear from you too; if you wish please feel free to leave me comments. :)

I finished my last ever high-school exam yesterday at 2pm, turned in my last ever high-school paper, did my last ever high-school homework, and finally found myself so blissfully bored that I had nothing to do but take a nap. I graduate on Satruday morning at nine. I can hardly belive it. The fact that I will not be coming back to NCSA in the fall has not sunk in as reality yet. It will probably hit me hard one day, and then I might cry... I know that I will miss you all very much.