My Journal, pages 1, 2, and 3.

I am starting a new journal because my life has changed so significantly that keeping my old journal active would be unhelpful and possibly harmful. Moving on to a new book helps me to move on to the next thing in life.
Sometimes I wish I could move backwards; could have another chance to dance, and a chance to avoid getting so deeply into the relationship that would not end well. But I can't go backwards, and I'm afraid that even if I could, I would likely make the same mistakes again. I can't go back to my first chance, but praise God; I now have a second. I would be lying to say that I am stronger now, or a better person because of my mistakes, but I am wiser, and I think that may help me become that better person.
However, I know that I will get nowhere on my own. Perhaps that is part of the wisdom, and one of the few lessons I've learned: I need God. I've tried doing life without Him, and it's been a miserable failure. I see now that He is my only strength; it comes only from the vision He places in my heart, and the love He has given me to share. Without these I flail aimlessly; when I shut Him out I am like a deaf bat in the dark.
As much as it hurt me, I am thankful to Dan for what he did. He saw clearly the destruction our relationship caused, which I closed my eyes to. I can see God's hand so clearly in this, now that He has opened my eyes.
I am eager to start down the proper path in my life, the one God wants me on, the one I never should have left. But I am unsure of what that is, and I think God is withholding that knowledge from me because he doesn't want me to try to stumble down it on my own; I need to learn to lean on Him first.
Why is it that the right way always seems the hardest? My pride would keep me from that path, as would the part of me that self-protects, that strives to be always in control. I must not let them win me over. God will be sovereign; I must tie my shoelaces so I don't trip over my own feet. Or even better, perhaps my Daddy will tie them for me.

This break-up is not about getting rid of the wrong guy so I can find the right, rather, it is about getting rid of all the obstacles so I can grow closer to God; to the One who truly loves me unconditionally, the One upon whom my whole existence depends.

For the record:

Hello Blog Readers. Yes, it's been a while, and I'm sure there aren't many left who would even bother to check this anymore; even I probably wouldn't be one of the faithful few! Moreover, I'm sure most of you have been sent this, but just in case you are not on facebook, or I missed sending it to you for whatever reason, here is the email that I sent out to people last Thursday, to announce my new "relationship status":

Dan and I have broken up. This happened a week ago. Something about his needing to figure out who he is free of attachments, especially as he goes to Madison in January, something else about not wanting to drag things on with me when his heart is more in his studies, and a big something about not being in love with me anymore. I had plenty of warning I suppose, and I should have seen it coming, but I really didn't expect it to come to this so abruptly; I thought he was more committed. I don't really understand it all, but I'm trying to remember that the most loving thing for me to do is let him go.
I'm hurting alot right now, but some days are better than others. I am still rather shocked, and it is difficult to believe at times that everything I was so sure of is now so uncertain. My emotions are so mixed; everything from misery to anger to optimism for a new way of life. I guess it's a good thing to find out now that he is not quite who I thought he was, or at least wanted to think he was. To everyone who saw that: I'm sorry I was too stubborn to listen to your wise insights, and thank you for giving them nonetheless.
It's been wonderful to have my sister here; she's been so good to me through this and I'm so grateful for that. I want to make sure you all know that I'll be okay, and that I have people here to watch out for me (in case you live far away).
I think I've been in contact with each of you much less than I would like, and hopefully that will change now that I have so much more time on my hands. I've missed each of you. If you want to call me I will be happy to hear from you, though I might not be in the mood to talk about me or listen to advice, (and I'm sure any of you would be happy to help me out like that; knowing that now is a comfort in any case,) I would still love to catch up.
With Love,
Joanna <><