Here and Now

I was looking back on some journal entries from September and October, and was amazed to see how far I've come from there, or rather, how far God has brought me. I was so messed up! I am in such a much better place now. The difficult thing is that I'm not sure where I'm going, but the good thing is that I know where I'm supposed to be right now, and that is learning to lean on God.
I thank all of you who have helped me, listened to me, given me advice, and prayed for me. I appreciate it so much, and I thank God for you all.
I wish Dan could be here to see it.

Pillar

I heard a song on the radio that really inspired me. "Smiling Down" by Pillar:

"Smiling Down"

You make it so hard on yourself
But theres nobody else
That could ever understand
The feelings that you felt
I could hear you think about
All the time I was around
If you could only see me now
I'm right here looking down

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

I know you won't forget
All the time we got to spend
Just because it's been a while
Doesn't mean that its the end
So right here and now
I'll swear you a vow
That I will always be with you
Whenever you feel down
Nothing ever will come between us
Now I'm holding on to the hand of Jesus

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

I'll be right there looking down
Even when the shine don't shine
I'll be right there looking down
All along the winter night
I'll be right there looking down
With a smile on me face
I'll be right there with my arms open wide
Right here on Jesus' side

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you

So next time that you feel like crying
Next time you don't feel like trying
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you
In the morning you don't feel like rising
Next time you feel like compromising
Just remember I'll be right there
Smiling down on you



I hope that's legal. :)

Downtown Flat and Tap Dancing

Heidi (who has been one of my dearest friends for the past ten years) came over today and we were kniving about our plans to get an apartment together next fall. Ideally: we would get a cheap two bedroom flat on college avenue within walking distance of school and work for both of us.
It would be so nice to live downtown. I would never have to be at my house if I didn't want to; I could spend all day reading in the library, working, hanging out in a coffee shop, I could walk to ballet if I wanted to go, or I could take a walk in city park, anything that would keep me out of the house eating. And food would be scarce too; maybe that would stop me from binging.
I really miss beeing skinny. Every time I see a skinny girl in a movie I get jealous. We were watching White Christmas and when Vera Ellen came on with bare legs for her dance number my sister commented on how she hates watching the scene because of her sickly skinny legs; and I was jealous.
I ate so much food today. I really am addicted.
I had been doing okay until today. I hadn't been missing Dan so immediately as before... I'll be okay again. I know this is what has to be done.
Work was really fun last night. Well, kind of. There were NO CUSTOMERS after about 7:30, and by 8:25 the place was quite empty, so we closed early. The best part was the impromptu musicale Mike and Billy had going with the forks and stainless steel shelves to the cook Jesus' latin music. I almost started salsa dancing, but then I remembered that I don't know how. Rats.
I really want to learn how to tap.
I think I might go steal another granola bar from the pantry. Or maybe I'll just run away...

Lonely

I feel very lonely.

Life always seems harder at night. But one thing doesn't get easier when the sun comes up, and that is missing Dan.
To be honest, what I think I miss most right now is the constancy of his presence, support, and assurance of his love. I miss being adored; the feeling of knowing that someone special loves me and thinks I'm special. I miss the sweetness of romance, especially when I remember special dates or hear special songs, or even any romantic song, or romantic movies especially. I miss the early days when we would email each other; the thought of a love letter makes me miss that very much. I miss the way he used to leave me love notes everywhere; he even taped some to my ceiling once. And yes, I do miss his kisses.
I really miss his friendship too. He was my best friend, and those are hard to replace. We were so close. I miss talking with him for long hours on the phone; time never seemed to exist when we were together. I miss the way he cared about me, was truely interested in how my day was, and sincerely concerned when I was having a hard time. I don't think anyone cared so much about my eating disorder as he did.
And I miss doing and being all those things for him too; I miss "loving on him" as he would have said.
And besides all of those things, the sensations and roles that I suppose someone else could have filled, (or could fill someday), I miss Dan himself. I truely love him, not only what he does for me or "being in love," but who he is as a person. I miss his sense of humor, his thoughts about life, the world, justice, and little things too. I miss the way he walks, the way he drives a car, or ties his shoes, or chats with an old aquaintence or his mother, the way he baby-talks to animals, or shows off something he knows I won't appreciate, or puts his arm around my shoulder or rubs my arm or asks me if I'm comfortable... And despite the ways in which he failed, there are alot of things about him that are so wonderful.
Why, you may ask? Why did I ever let such a beautiful thing go? Why did I give up the love of my life?
That's why; because he was my life's love. After myself, (which is the first sign that something is wrong in life), I loved nothing dearer, not even goodness nor God. And looking back, I can see a few of the many mistakes we made that contributed to the erosion of our relationships with God.
I very much wish that things had been different. I wish we had done things right. But that doesn't mean that it's too late to do the right thing now.
Two nights ago, as I cried on his shoulder, I realized how selfish of me it was to keep clinging to him; I know now that every time I did I was preventing him from moving forward. I pray earnestly that the road will lead him eventually to a beautiful relationship with Christ. I wonder how long it is, and where it will go through before it gets there.
I knew also, that clinging to the hope of a change, or to the sweet memory of the past, or to the then-sincere promises we made about the future, was keeping me from fully abandoning my life to God, and I just can't live like that. Those promises still haunt me, worst of all; life was going to be so beautiful together. We were seriously planning to be married. And we were so sure...

A New Beginning

I just said goodbye to Dan forever; for real this time. I am convinced that it was the right thing to do.
I feel so much better now; a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel peaceful. And I am really ready to turn my whole life over to God.
Thank you for your prayers; and please pray for Dan too.

Dream world fading

My little dream world that I thought I was living is slowly fading, and I'm realizing that I can't get it back.
I know it's best this way, but that only makes it a little bit easier.
Eventually I'll have to accept that I have to face the pain.

a tg' jazo eio

So the random nonsense in the title - yes, it's just random nonsense. That's what came out when I banged on the keyboard.
I guess I'm not doing so well today. I really miss Dan. Alot.
It makes it a little bit easier that I know that it is the best for him, and the best for me, though it's not so easy to remember the latter.
Sometimes I have really beautiful quiet times when I feel that God is wrapping me in his arms and stroking my hair and reminding me that everything is going to be okay. But sometimes I enter this dark and lonely state where my world seems empty and I feel alone and I can't see past the next ninety seconds.

I'm very thankful to be seeing less and less binges, and finally I've been able to see things like "this food won't make me happy" and "I'm full" and "Why would I eat that again?" and "Eating this second bowl of ice cream might make me gain weight." I'm a little concerned that I might slip back into anorexia though. Perhaps it is a combination of seeing some old photos, taking a ballet class, and not fitting into old clothes that has led me to miss being thin, and even scarier, miss being anorexic. It's hard to explain.

I've been dancing around the house quite a bit, and actually missing ballet class and dancing. I think I'm going to go again tonight. Hopefully I'll make it past barre; I miss doing pirouettes and tendues in center.

I removed Dan as my facebook friend so that we would stop stalking each other, but I must confess that I've found ways around that, and I know he has too. For one, I know he's reading this... and I read his blog too. So far it's only poems. Very good poems. Seriously, he should be a poet. Perhaps I'm biased.

I have to leave for Spanish class soon. Jimmy and Becca are going to drop me off, so I have to walk home. It's cold and raining, but I need the excercise, and the think time.

Last night I dreamed that I was Peter Pan. I have these dreams periodically. I really wish I could fly. I really wish I could fly.

Joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart!

I just took a ballet class, for the first time in about a month and a half. Actually I didn't even make it all the way through; I nearly passed out during frappes. The good news is that I still remember how do dance! I think I'll go take class more often...
I had a wonderful time in NC. It was SOOO good to see everyone; it was like I'd never been gone. I didn't get to spend as much time with everyone as I would have liked, but I got a chance to see pretty much everyone that I had been hoping to see, which was really nice.
God really used the trip to work on me. It's incredible to watch what He's doing in my life, now that I'm making Him my first priority. Life is so much brighter, and even when it's hard, I know He's there for me to turn to.
I've been doing really well with food too. I'm finally ready to give it up completely, and it all seems so much less important compared to everything else God has for me. Thank you all for your prayers! I had a beautiful moment the other day when I looked in the mirror and realized that I love my body exactly how it is, and I was so glad that I don't have to feel pressured to look a certain way anymore. I am how God made me; fearfully and wonderfully made.
Oh, and I cut my hair! It's about shoulder length; a little shorter in the front, and a little longer in the back. I really like it!
The only thing that remains to be told is that Danny and I are taking a break. I won't go into detail right now, just know that the decision is mutual and that the purpose is for each of us to be able to build a strong relationship with God and become our own people independantly.
I have so much peace and joy right now. God loves me, and He loves you, and so do I.