Joanna Leigh is me...but who is that?

Well, life is a little bit scary for me right now because I have no idea who I am. Suddenly I'm no longer "a dancer," which brings me to realize that who I am is not what I do...but what is? What is it that makes me who I am? My wise sister had a few words on this: she asked me to think of who my best friend is, and pointed out that I probably wouldn't define him as "a college student who wants to be a lawyer" or even "a tall, handsome, skinny guy." She has a point. I still don't know what that makes me though. I've gained a few pounds since you last saw me as well, (though you probably wouldn't notice), so I no longer feel I fit the identity of "a skinny person," or at least, not as skinny as I'd like to be.
I think its time to confess that I struggle with eating disorders, for all of you who didn't know (or guess). It's neither pure anorexia nor bulimia, though I have tendencies from both; they call it "binge eating disorder". I go through cycles, sometimes binging, sometimes purging, and sometimes starving myself to make up for it. The cyclical aspect of it makes it really hard to escape from. When I decide to stop dieting, I eventually end up in a constant state of binging, and if I try to stop binging and "eat normally" I find that I've forgotten how to do that, and I end up eating less than I should, either that or eating more than I should and eventually binging again until I'm so disgusted with myself that I go back to starving myself.
It takes over my life, and yet I'm afraid to let it go. The worst part is that I believe that if only I was skinny, I would be happy. The greatest problem here is that I know that God does not want me doing this to myself, and yet I can't let go of my skinny ideal, so since God and skinny cannot coexist...
On a lighter note, I've been working on a craft project that I'm really enjoying: my "hippie" skirt. It's patchwork, has no pattern, and will be very long and full. Quite exciting. I also got a job as a server at a fancy Italian restaurant called Victoria's. I really like working; it distracts me from everything else. I'm also taking a Spanish Phonetics class at the college where my Dad teaches; MWF, and all in Spanish too. I really enjoy the Spanish aspect, but I forgot when I signed up about group projects and homework...
Thanks for reading.

Life changes...

So it's been a while since I've last updated. I guess I've been doing pretty poorly at being a consistent blogger. I might resolve to do better, but that might counter my resolve to be less internet dependent; either you'll know that one's going well or I'll tell you it isn't!
Here is an update on me:
I went to Milwaukee for two weeks, and decided that I really don't want to be dancing right now, so I told them I needed to take some time off and I came home.
I don't know how long I'll be here, a couple months at least. I think that eventually I will discover that I really do love ballet and go back to it, and very likely Milwaukee, but for now, I am just going to take life as it comes and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe I'll discover that I am better off without all of the stress and drama of the ballet world, and be a normal person forever. Somehow I doubt that.
This may come as a shock for some of you, and others of you may have seen this coming before I did; I wouldn't be surprised. It happened rather suddenly I know... however, I do believe that this is the right thing for me right now. It got to the point where I forgot what it was like to dance for myself, and instead was dancing to please everyone else; to be complemented by my teachers, to make my grandparents proud, to live up to my teachers' expectations, to keep up my image as a "ballerina". I realized that I wasn't really loving what I was doing, and I was buckling under all that pressure... Feeling like you can make do and pull through something is necessary sometimes in life to get you where you want to be, however, it is not such a desireable state for your final destination. If ballet is going to be my career, I want it to be something I do because I want to do it. And right now, my dreams, goals, and the joys I find in ballet don't seem to be worth the pain, effort, and sacrifice required to acheive them. When they do, and not before, I will be back to pour every ounce of rediscovered passion into the art. But for now, I'm just going to let it be.
I'm actually really excited about this. I'm excited to be a normal person for once; I have big plans and dreams to do everything I've always wanted to do but never had time for. Some of these include spending lots of time with Danny, family, and friends, getting a job as a waitress, taking a college Spanish class, going to church regularly and actually being involved, and all the little things like painting my toenails, knitting scarves, and baking bread. I'm also hoping to take a couple trips; I want to visit Doug and Donna in Salt Lake City and I want to visit North Carolina as soon as possible. I miss all of you back there so much!
Mostly I'm excited to see what God is going to do in me during this time. It's true I've been wandering; I think it's time for me to get back on track. I know the life He has for me is so much better than the one I've been trying to orchestrate. If anyone is taking prayer requests, there's one thing I know I still need to let go of and give to Him, and I really don't want to; I'm really scared to...
Well, I'll keep you better informed hopefully, and stop writing now so that any of you who haven't already fallen asleep can avoid doing so. I'd love to hear from you if you get a chance...