PARTY! (x2!)

Yesterday morning Mom and Adam left to take my Aunt and cousin to my grandpa's house in Racine so they could catch their flight back to California out of Milwaukee, and with my Dad in Chicago, that left Becca and I all to our lonesomes in a messy house...and we had a blast!
We had an incredible amount of fun and giggling as we were thoroughly cleaning the house to the music of Arethra Franklin, did crunches, took a walk, made ourselves look pretty, and then took a well deserved rest at the end of the day, watching Pan's Laberynth, (which honestly freaked me out a little bit), and then I listened to a Salem Chapel podcast, stayed up online a little longer than I should have, and snuggled into my own bed for the first time in a week...ahh. :)
This morning I got up early, (it's so much fun to live in a clean house!), made coffee, and picked out some of my favorite Bible verses to post up on my wall. Then Becca and I went out and shoveled the driveway and front walk. Seriously, it should be illegal to have so much fun while doing chores!
Tonight I am working, which should be fun, and then Adam, Becca, Jimmy and I are going to Maddie's house for a last minute New Year's Eve Party, which will be really fun! I've been missing Maddie.

Looking Forward

I'm feeling much better today, thank you as always for all your support of me. I'll tell you more about that some other time...

I've been laying out my plans for my schedule next term, and I can hardly wait to start!

Firstly, I'm not planning on taking any academics. I was not greatly enthused at the thought of homework, lectures, exams, presentations, and papers again, so I decided I would save my pursuit of knowledge until my interest and motivation will inspire me to a better GPA.

I really like working, so I'm going to continue that, saving money for when I'll need it. (I just got a new wine key for Christmas, and I am so excited to use it! I am working on New Years Eve and all day on the first; that will be fun.)

I have been really missing ballet lately, and over Christmas these feelings have been strenghtened greatly by the experiences of watching the San Fransisco Ballet's Nutcracker, and especially today watching the video of my performance as sugar plum fairy last year. (there's a video on facebook if any are interested). I'm pretty sure at this point that I will be returning to dance very soon! I am planning on taking evening classes here at my home studio as often as I can this coming year, and hopefully next fall I'll be ready to start with the Milwaukee Ballet II again. The time off has been really valuable for me though, and I think it was absolutely necessary for my career. Anyway, I'm really excited about that!

i prefer a granite headstone

In case you were worried, please don't be; I do not forsee my need for a grave marker anytime in the near future, God willing. That said, this has honestly probably been the worst Christmas of my life.

By the standards with which one usually measures Christmas it was actually pretty decent. I spent good time with family, I got nice presents, we had a fun Christmas party, the decorations were pretty, and it was definately white. But the hole in my life that Dan has left behind made it rather gloomy, and that combined with worrying about him has left me pretty miserable.

I kinda feel like I've died.

I was just reading some sweet and wonderful past emails that Dan had sent to me over the summer, one in particular in which Dan was talking about the devil's attack on our relationship.

I guess he got to us.

Christmas Swan

My Grandparents live in a beautiful house overlooking Lake Michigan not too far from Milwaukee.
Sitting in the living room and enjoying the glistening white Christmas view, one of my dear siblings spotted a large white bird on the water, a swan. Grabbing a pair of binoculars and my bird-loving father, and wearing my grandmother's coat and my pajamas, I rushed into the backyard and waded through the drifts of snow to get a closer view.
It was beautiful! The bird was huge, radiantly white, and so graceful; I watched it swim along the cliffs of snow, dip its bill for a drink, and dive tail up for fish. It made my day.
Merry Christmas all.

Christmas Eve

Like every year since I've been born, we are spending Christmas at my grandparents' house. It is so nice to be spending downtime with my family, especially my sister. My sister is absolutely amazing; she is so full of wisdom, gentleness, understanding, spunk, humor, and adventure, all at the same time. We were having a lovely heart-to-heart last night as we were falling asleep in our lovely little basement room that we've always shared here... okay, I'll stop before I get too mushy and nostalgic. :)
I think that for the coming term my plan will be to work and dance. I've really been missing ballet, and I've been realizing that my time to do it is pretty much now or never, considering how quickly I've been getting out of shape. I hope I can somehow avoid letting it pressure me to be ever skinnier, and to seek my identity in it, though I can already see that both will be very difficult.
I'm reading an excellent book that I got as an early Christmas gift, called The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. It is about a man who receives a note from God inviting him to meet Him in a building which represents the greatest source of pain in his life. There he meets three persons who are God, and who answer his questions and teach him of God's love. It's really quite incredible.

Rediscovering Loneliness

Dan and I have broken up again. For those of you who didn't know that we were back together, it happened. It shouldn't have. It's over now.
Funny how feelings stick with you long after things are "over". Rediscovering loneliness hurts.

I gave up Dan because I wanted be closer to God. I wanted to be right with God. I guess I didn't expect that to take a while. Should it? A timeless God can forgive and forget in less than a moment. Why can't I?

I'm trying to reconnect myself with the world. I was embarrassed to talk to almost everyone because I knew that my actions didn't deserve approval. I'm sorry to you all for that.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

Ballet?

I'm beginning to think that I am not done dancing...

Life has me confused. Nothing seems to be the way I thought it was. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid to disappoint.