Lonely

I feel very lonely.

Life always seems harder at night. But one thing doesn't get easier when the sun comes up, and that is missing Dan.
To be honest, what I think I miss most right now is the constancy of his presence, support, and assurance of his love. I miss being adored; the feeling of knowing that someone special loves me and thinks I'm special. I miss the sweetness of romance, especially when I remember special dates or hear special songs, or even any romantic song, or romantic movies especially. I miss the early days when we would email each other; the thought of a love letter makes me miss that very much. I miss the way he used to leave me love notes everywhere; he even taped some to my ceiling once. And yes, I do miss his kisses.
I really miss his friendship too. He was my best friend, and those are hard to replace. We were so close. I miss talking with him for long hours on the phone; time never seemed to exist when we were together. I miss the way he cared about me, was truely interested in how my day was, and sincerely concerned when I was having a hard time. I don't think anyone cared so much about my eating disorder as he did.
And I miss doing and being all those things for him too; I miss "loving on him" as he would have said.
And besides all of those things, the sensations and roles that I suppose someone else could have filled, (or could fill someday), I miss Dan himself. I truely love him, not only what he does for me or "being in love," but who he is as a person. I miss his sense of humor, his thoughts about life, the world, justice, and little things too. I miss the way he walks, the way he drives a car, or ties his shoes, or chats with an old aquaintence or his mother, the way he baby-talks to animals, or shows off something he knows I won't appreciate, or puts his arm around my shoulder or rubs my arm or asks me if I'm comfortable... And despite the ways in which he failed, there are alot of things about him that are so wonderful.
Why, you may ask? Why did I ever let such a beautiful thing go? Why did I give up the love of my life?
That's why; because he was my life's love. After myself, (which is the first sign that something is wrong in life), I loved nothing dearer, not even goodness nor God. And looking back, I can see a few of the many mistakes we made that contributed to the erosion of our relationships with God.
I very much wish that things had been different. I wish we had done things right. But that doesn't mean that it's too late to do the right thing now.
Two nights ago, as I cried on his shoulder, I realized how selfish of me it was to keep clinging to him; I know now that every time I did I was preventing him from moving forward. I pray earnestly that the road will lead him eventually to a beautiful relationship with Christ. I wonder how long it is, and where it will go through before it gets there.
I knew also, that clinging to the hope of a change, or to the sweet memory of the past, or to the then-sincere promises we made about the future, was keeping me from fully abandoning my life to God, and I just can't live like that. Those promises still haunt me, worst of all; life was going to be so beautiful together. We were seriously planning to be married. And we were so sure...