Joanna Leigh is me...but who is that?

Well, life is a little bit scary for me right now because I have no idea who I am. Suddenly I'm no longer "a dancer," which brings me to realize that who I am is not what I do...but what is? What is it that makes me who I am? My wise sister had a few words on this: she asked me to think of who my best friend is, and pointed out that I probably wouldn't define him as "a college student who wants to be a lawyer" or even "a tall, handsome, skinny guy." She has a point. I still don't know what that makes me though. I've gained a few pounds since you last saw me as well, (though you probably wouldn't notice), so I no longer feel I fit the identity of "a skinny person," or at least, not as skinny as I'd like to be.
I think its time to confess that I struggle with eating disorders, for all of you who didn't know (or guess). It's neither pure anorexia nor bulimia, though I have tendencies from both; they call it "binge eating disorder". I go through cycles, sometimes binging, sometimes purging, and sometimes starving myself to make up for it. The cyclical aspect of it makes it really hard to escape from. When I decide to stop dieting, I eventually end up in a constant state of binging, and if I try to stop binging and "eat normally" I find that I've forgotten how to do that, and I end up eating less than I should, either that or eating more than I should and eventually binging again until I'm so disgusted with myself that I go back to starving myself.
It takes over my life, and yet I'm afraid to let it go. The worst part is that I believe that if only I was skinny, I would be happy. The greatest problem here is that I know that God does not want me doing this to myself, and yet I can't let go of my skinny ideal, so since God and skinny cannot coexist...
On a lighter note, I've been working on a craft project that I'm really enjoying: my "hippie" skirt. It's patchwork, has no pattern, and will be very long and full. Quite exciting. I also got a job as a server at a fancy Italian restaurant called Victoria's. I really like working; it distracts me from everything else. I'm also taking a Spanish Phonetics class at the college where my Dad teaches; MWF, and all in Spanish too. I really enjoy the Spanish aspect, but I forgot when I signed up about group projects and homework...
Thanks for reading.