I am starting a new journal because my life has changed so significantly that keeping my old journal active would be unhelpful and possibly harmful. Moving on to a new book helps me to move on to the next thing in life.
Sometimes I wish I could move backwards; could have another chance to dance, and a chance to avoid getting so deeply into the relationship that would not end well. But I can't go backwards, and I'm afraid that even if I could, I would likely make the same mistakes again. I can't go back to my first chance, but praise God; I now have a second. I would be lying to say that I am stronger now, or a better person because of my mistakes, but I am wiser, and I think that may help me become that better person.
However, I know that I will get nowhere on my own. Perhaps that is part of the wisdom, and one of the few lessons I've learned: I need God. I've tried doing life without Him, and it's been a miserable failure. I see now that He is my only strength; it comes only from the vision He places in my heart, and the love He has given me to share. Without these I flail aimlessly; when I shut Him out I am like a deaf bat in the dark.
As much as it hurt me, I am thankful to Dan for what he did. He saw clearly the destruction our relationship caused, which I closed my eyes to. I can see God's hand so clearly in this, now that He has opened my eyes.
I am eager to start down the proper path in my life, the one God wants me on, the one I never should have left. But I am unsure of what that is, and I think God is withholding that knowledge from me because he doesn't want me to try to stumble down it on my own; I need to learn to lean on Him first.
Why is it that the right way always seems the hardest? My pride would keep me from that path, as would the part of me that self-protects, that strives to be always in control. I must not let them win me over. God will be sovereign; I must tie my shoelaces so I don't trip over my own feet. Or even better, perhaps my Daddy will tie them for me.
This break-up is not about getting rid of the wrong guy so I can find the right, rather, it is about getting rid of all the obstacles so I can grow closer to God; to the One who truly loves me unconditionally, the One upon whom my whole existence depends.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
For the record:
Hello Blog Readers. Yes, it's been a while, and I'm sure there aren't many left who would even bother to check this anymore; even I probably wouldn't be one of the faithful few! Moreover, I'm sure most of you have been sent this, but just in case you are not on facebook, or I missed sending it to you for whatever reason, here is the email that I sent out to people last Thursday, to announce my new "relationship status":
Dan and I have broken up. This happened a week ago. Something about his needing to figure out who he is free of attachments, especially as he goes to Madison in January, something else about not wanting to drag things on with me when his heart is more in his studies, and a big something about not being in love with me anymore. I had plenty of warning I suppose, and I should have seen it coming, but I really didn't expect it to come to this so abruptly; I thought he was more committed. I don't really understand it all, but I'm trying to remember that the most loving thing for me to do is let him go.
I'm hurting alot right now, but some days are better than others. I am still rather shocked, and it is difficult to believe at times that everything I was so sure of is now so uncertain. My emotions are so mixed; everything from misery to anger to optimism for a new way of life. I guess it's a good thing to find out now that he is not quite who I thought he was, or at least wanted to think he was. To everyone who saw that: I'm sorry I was too stubborn to listen to your wise insights, and thank you for giving them nonetheless.
It's been wonderful to have my sister here; she's been so good to me through this and I'm so grateful for that. I want to make sure you all know that I'll be okay, and that I have people here to watch out for me (in case you live far away).
I think I've been in contact with each of you much less than I would like, and hopefully that will change now that I have so much more time on my hands. I've missed each of you. If you want to call me I will be happy to hear from you, though I might not be in the mood to talk about me or listen to advice, (and I'm sure any of you would be happy to help me out like that; knowing that now is a comfort in any case,) I would still love to catch up.
With Love,
Joanna <><
Dan and I have broken up. This happened a week ago. Something about his needing to figure out who he is free of attachments, especially as he goes to Madison in January, something else about not wanting to drag things on with me when his heart is more in his studies, and a big something about not being in love with me anymore. I had plenty of warning I suppose, and I should have seen it coming, but I really didn't expect it to come to this so abruptly; I thought he was more committed. I don't really understand it all, but I'm trying to remember that the most loving thing for me to do is let him go.
I'm hurting alot right now, but some days are better than others. I am still rather shocked, and it is difficult to believe at times that everything I was so sure of is now so uncertain. My emotions are so mixed; everything from misery to anger to optimism for a new way of life. I guess it's a good thing to find out now that he is not quite who I thought he was, or at least wanted to think he was. To everyone who saw that: I'm sorry I was too stubborn to listen to your wise insights, and thank you for giving them nonetheless.
It's been wonderful to have my sister here; she's been so good to me through this and I'm so grateful for that. I want to make sure you all know that I'll be okay, and that I have people here to watch out for me (in case you live far away).
I think I've been in contact with each of you much less than I would like, and hopefully that will change now that I have so much more time on my hands. I've missed each of you. If you want to call me I will be happy to hear from you, though I might not be in the mood to talk about me or listen to advice, (and I'm sure any of you would be happy to help me out like that; knowing that now is a comfort in any case,) I would still love to catch up.
With Love,
Joanna <><
Sunday, April 26, 2009
yes it's true...
...Danny and I are engaged!
He proposed to me on the morning of April 11th, exactly two years after he asked me to be his girlfriend. We had planned a daytrip to Chicago, something we had hoped to do before, but never gotten a chance. He picked me up at five o'clock in the morning, (though I had trouble waiting even that long,) and we set out; but first, we agreed, we would stop by Peabody Park, a very special place for us, to exchange "anniversary gifts." After giving him my gift, (a scrapbook,) there in the foggy, predawn darkness on the riverside, it was his turn. He told me to hold out my hands, and close my eyes, and as I did I felt a ring sliding onto my finger... "I knew it!" I gasped, and looked to see him lower himself to one knee, and ask the question...
It was not the wind in Chicago that kept us floating all day. We must have been the two happiest people in history to ever get stranded on the L. As we walked to and through Navy Pier, we stole many glances at my hand to make sure we were not dreaming. Though we are both highly appreciative of fine art, not even the vibrant colors of Renoir nor the exquisite brushstrokes of the great Italian painters at the world famous Art Institute could hold our attention for long, especially not when I was standing next to the most beautiful thing in the world. As I tried on blouses from the clearance rack on the fourth floor of Macy's, he evaluated the results with adoring eyes and praised me as one praises a princess dressed for a ball. And as we sat at the classy Italian cafe enjoying bruscetta, salmone and fettuccine, I would not have wanted to be anywhere else for the world.
As you may have guessed from my first comment, I was not wholly surprised by the proposal; in fact, I was almost expecting it. It did not take long for us, after we officially reinstated our dating relationship, to come back to the decision that we had made last summer to get married. Ah, how do I explain what it's like to know that he is the one that I want to share my life with? I feel so much peace about it; it is so right for us to be together.
I think we will probably be getting married in August; it will be a small, family only ceremony, and hopefully outdoors. Still, there is much planning to be done!
I hope you all have a blessed day. :)
He proposed to me on the morning of April 11th, exactly two years after he asked me to be his girlfriend. We had planned a daytrip to Chicago, something we had hoped to do before, but never gotten a chance. He picked me up at five o'clock in the morning, (though I had trouble waiting even that long,) and we set out; but first, we agreed, we would stop by Peabody Park, a very special place for us, to exchange "anniversary gifts." After giving him my gift, (a scrapbook,) there in the foggy, predawn darkness on the riverside, it was his turn. He told me to hold out my hands, and close my eyes, and as I did I felt a ring sliding onto my finger... "I knew it!" I gasped, and looked to see him lower himself to one knee, and ask the question...
It was not the wind in Chicago that kept us floating all day. We must have been the two happiest people in history to ever get stranded on the L. As we walked to and through Navy Pier, we stole many glances at my hand to make sure we were not dreaming. Though we are both highly appreciative of fine art, not even the vibrant colors of Renoir nor the exquisite brushstrokes of the great Italian painters at the world famous Art Institute could hold our attention for long, especially not when I was standing next to the most beautiful thing in the world. As I tried on blouses from the clearance rack on the fourth floor of Macy's, he evaluated the results with adoring eyes and praised me as one praises a princess dressed for a ball. And as we sat at the classy Italian cafe enjoying bruscetta, salmone and fettuccine, I would not have wanted to be anywhere else for the world.
As you may have guessed from my first comment, I was not wholly surprised by the proposal; in fact, I was almost expecting it. It did not take long for us, after we officially reinstated our dating relationship, to come back to the decision that we had made last summer to get married. Ah, how do I explain what it's like to know that he is the one that I want to share my life with? I feel so much peace about it; it is so right for us to be together.
I think we will probably be getting married in August; it will be a small, family only ceremony, and hopefully outdoors. Still, there is much planning to be done!
I hope you all have a blessed day. :)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
:D
I just wanted to let you all know that Danny and I are back together again. :)
We've both gone through a lot during our time apart. We've changed a lot; grown alot. As we rekindled our friendship, we've encouraged each other, supported each other through tough things, and helped each other grow closer to God. And we've been learning, little by little, to put Him first in our friendship/relationship with each other and our lives. Through this, a magical thing has been happening; we are falling in love again. I feel peace about our lives together, and, I think that this is the right time, and the right way to go about things. Even though we still have a lot to work on and work out, I think that with God's help, we can do it together.
If you pray for me, please pray that we continue to seek God's will and way in our relationship, and that he guides us in other areas our lives as well.
I am finally inspired to start taking care of my body again. I've been eating horribly, and gaining about 5 pounds a month... it's disgusting! I am going to start by changing a few unhealthy habits first, and hopefully over time that will make enough of a difference to inspire me to continue. I've realized that I have rather poor self-control...it's funny; I used to be so strong in that area.
I am leaning toward going to Lawrence next year, instead of Alverno in Milwaukee. There are several reasons for this, one being that the psychology and Spanish programs both are better at Lawrence, two that I would really much rather be in Appleton near my family, and not in the scary bigness of Milwaukee, nor near perhaps difficult memories and "what if" questions. I would be required to live on campus at Lawrence anyway, which I think would be good for me. My good friend Heidi is also planning to attend Lawrence, and we are thinking that we would make great roommates. Also, I could continue to go to my church Christ the Rock, where I am beginning to make friends and feel like I belong. The third reason is that I was realizing that one of my main motives for going to Alverno is to be near Dan, though really, I think it would be better for our relationship and both of our academic careers if we were farther apart, and not tempted to see each other so often. I like how much we talk too when we are apart, sad as that may seem. Dan is in agreement with me on all of these points; he is really prioritizing his schooling right now, and I am proud of him for that.
We've both gone through a lot during our time apart. We've changed a lot; grown alot. As we rekindled our friendship, we've encouraged each other, supported each other through tough things, and helped each other grow closer to God. And we've been learning, little by little, to put Him first in our friendship/relationship with each other and our lives. Through this, a magical thing has been happening; we are falling in love again. I feel peace about our lives together, and, I think that this is the right time, and the right way to go about things. Even though we still have a lot to work on and work out, I think that with God's help, we can do it together.
If you pray for me, please pray that we continue to seek God's will and way in our relationship, and that he guides us in other areas our lives as well.
I am finally inspired to start taking care of my body again. I've been eating horribly, and gaining about 5 pounds a month... it's disgusting! I am going to start by changing a few unhealthy habits first, and hopefully over time that will make enough of a difference to inspire me to continue. I've realized that I have rather poor self-control...it's funny; I used to be so strong in that area.
I am leaning toward going to Lawrence next year, instead of Alverno in Milwaukee. There are several reasons for this, one being that the psychology and Spanish programs both are better at Lawrence, two that I would really much rather be in Appleton near my family, and not in the scary bigness of Milwaukee, nor near perhaps difficult memories and "what if" questions. I would be required to live on campus at Lawrence anyway, which I think would be good for me. My good friend Heidi is also planning to attend Lawrence, and we are thinking that we would make great roommates. Also, I could continue to go to my church Christ the Rock, where I am beginning to make friends and feel like I belong. The third reason is that I was realizing that one of my main motives for going to Alverno is to be near Dan, though really, I think it would be better for our relationship and both of our academic careers if we were farther apart, and not tempted to see each other so often. I like how much we talk too when we are apart, sad as that may seem. Dan is in agreement with me on all of these points; he is really prioritizing his schooling right now, and I am proud of him for that.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A Special Verse for Today...
Romans 6:14-23 (English Standard Version)
14For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.
15What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, 18and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. 19 I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.
20 For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. 21 But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
My Apologies
Dear Blog Readers,
The other day I posted a rather bleak entry that more than likely worried a few of you. I would like to apologize for my outburst in my moment of despair, and assure you all that I am doing alright, (and that I am not suicidal). I think it was more of a plea for attention than anything else.
Honestly, some things are still rough, but I have been seeing many more happy days than sad ones lately. I've signed up to see a counselor and also a nutritionist, so I will be getting some outside help very soon. Inside, my heart is finally softening to let God in again. Though it may be hard, I know I can hope in him, and I do believe he has plans for me, to give me "a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
I've been doing well at work, and loving playing Clair de Lune on the piano, which I found in my awesome new piano book. I haven't been able to see my friends very often because we are all so busy, but I will mention that Dan and I have been hanging out sometimes lately, just as friends, which is very nice, becasue besides being my love, he was my best friend as well, and a friendship like that is sorely missed when it is gone.
I haven't been dancing. I realized that I can't dance or thing about returning to the dance world without my ED flaring up again, and I can't handle that right now. So after a rather abrupt exit, I have been considering where else I would like to take my life, thinking definately of going to college soon. More on that later. :)
I hope you all have a blessed day.
The other day I posted a rather bleak entry that more than likely worried a few of you. I would like to apologize for my outburst in my moment of despair, and assure you all that I am doing alright, (and that I am not suicidal). I think it was more of a plea for attention than anything else.
Honestly, some things are still rough, but I have been seeing many more happy days than sad ones lately. I've signed up to see a counselor and also a nutritionist, so I will be getting some outside help very soon. Inside, my heart is finally softening to let God in again. Though it may be hard, I know I can hope in him, and I do believe he has plans for me, to give me "a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
I've been doing well at work, and loving playing Clair de Lune on the piano, which I found in my awesome new piano book. I haven't been able to see my friends very often because we are all so busy, but I will mention that Dan and I have been hanging out sometimes lately, just as friends, which is very nice, becasue besides being my love, he was my best friend as well, and a friendship like that is sorely missed when it is gone.
I haven't been dancing. I realized that I can't dance or thing about returning to the dance world without my ED flaring up again, and I can't handle that right now. So after a rather abrupt exit, I have been considering where else I would like to take my life, thinking definately of going to college soon. More on that later. :)
I hope you all have a blessed day.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Valentines Day
(First I have to say SORRY for not keeping up with my blog better!)
Yesterday I worked for 7 hours strait and barely had a chance to take two sips of water. We were that busy.
Victoria's is known for two things: a romantic atmosphere, and hugely oversized portions. It has been a fixture in Appleton for twenty years, and a hot spot for romantic couples. Yesterday the wait got up to two hours at one point. I served quite a few bottles of wine, and there were several large tables that Ally and I waited on together. I made out pretty well. :)
Yesterday I worked for 7 hours strait and barely had a chance to take two sips of water. We were that busy.
Victoria's is known for two things: a romantic atmosphere, and hugely oversized portions. It has been a fixture in Appleton for twenty years, and a hot spot for romantic couples. Yesterday the wait got up to two hours at one point. I served quite a few bottles of wine, and there were several large tables that Ally and I waited on together. I made out pretty well. :)
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